Lonestar: You gotta keep your pimp hand strong

Lonestar is a show that I really hadn’t heard anything about as we headed into the start of the fall television season. As we’re getting the DVR setup, we basically start off recording every primetime show on the major networks. So I went into the pilot episode with no pretences.

Halfway through the episode I wasn’t sold. The show wasn’t glaringly bad, but I also didn’t find myself interested in the story or the main characters. Things get SWEET as you get deeper into the episode. The main character Rob is a guy in his late 20s who is a con man living two separate lives. One is in the small town of Midland, Texas where he lives a simple life with his girlfriend. The other is Dallas or Houston or some shit, and he is married to the daughter of an oil man. The con in the first life is that he is an oil man, selling shares to a reserve and promising huge profits down the line. Rob has basically taken the retirement savings of everyone in town. The second con is that Rob has worked his way into this wealthy oil family, up the ladder in his father-in-law’s oil company – and just received a big promotion. Now he is gonna rob the shit outta the place.

Rob works with his father, who has been a con man his whole life and forced his son into the game. Rob, as evidenced by his double life, is very good at what he does. Rob has taken on the role as the face of whatever organization they are using to con people, and Rob’s dad does the behind the scenes work. Rob gets away with his double life because his “job” forces him to spend time on the road. This dude is so damn charming that both his shorties are fine with having to spend half their time at home alone. FYI both his wife and his side piece are solid pulls.

Now, the problem is that Rob has allowed himself to become attached to both of his lives, as he is in love with both shorties. Rob and his father run into a problem when the lawyer for one of the people he conned in Midland demands to see a deed for the land they are supposedly prospecting for oil. Rob tells his dad he is not leaving, but in the middle of the night realizes he doesn’t have an out, kisses his side piece goodbye and bounces.

This is where things pick up to some degree – you think he’s down to a single con, but through his promotion at the actual oil company he is tasked with prospecting and creating new revenue streams for the firm. He decides he will buy the tract of land in Midland with the oil company's money, but under his name. This is under the guise of creating a wind farm, and will allow him to keep the both cons going for now. Rob’s father of course objects to the idea (because it’s retarded) but Rob goes through with it anyway. This idiot is head over heels in love with two girls, on some serious GF nonsense, and if he had just kept his damn pimp hand strong and not caught feelings he wouldn’t have any of these issues.

Here is how I would write the second episode:

1. Rob (I’m just now realizing I think the guys name is Bob, but no way I’m going back and changing that shit) doesn’t buy the land and bails on his side piece to focus on the oil company con.
2. He jacks the idiots at the oil company for all they’re worth – and moves with his pops to Jamaica to live in a tropical paradise for the rest of their lives.
3. They get off the plane in Kingston, catch a cab to Sandals, but get jacked by Spragga Benz and his homies on the way there, get shanked and die.
4. Boom, show over.

Hopefully this show gets cancelled soon or picks up so I don’t have to write too many more shitty summaries. The “THIS SEASON ON LONESTAR” at the end of the episode wasn’t too promising. Also, I have way too many other shows to watch. I know at the beginning of this I said Lonestar was sweet, but that was just to get you to read the review. I'm gonna put the [Cancel Watch] down here for that same reason.