Chuck - No Surprise, It was Awesome [The GOAT]

Desperately wanting to avoid a second episode let down, Chuck was cooking with gas again this past Monday. We've already gone over this show's recipe for success, so let's see how it was applied this week.

First, let's get the whole spy mission thing out of the way because it doesn't really matter. Chuck and Sarah were out looking for smart bullets equipped with GPS navigation rumored to be sold on the black market. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but lets just say this was possible, and there was a bullet out there that could lock on to a person so that aiming wasn't necessary. My only issue with the episode is that when they showed someone actually shooting the bullets, the target was only five yards away. No need for TomTom bullets when the target is in the same room. I'm not buying unless you give me some space and let me see the bullet chase someone around a corner, ya know? Needless to say, I loved the idea. They end up retrieving the bullets, the world is safe, the good guys prevail, etc.

Now lets talk about the real goods. Chuck brought in some characters that weren't present in episode one. The first new face is the legend most people know as the Old Spice guy and dare I say......he was fantastic. He plays the role of stud. He is one of the random CIA employees of the Buy More and doesn't really factor into any of the story lines. It doesn't matter. They better keep his role limited otherwise he's going to swan dive all over the show.

Then there were the characters that have been in Chuck since the beginning but were absent in the first episode. Devin, Lester, and Jeff all made their triumphant returns and all had too many good moments to recount. It may seem like I exaggerate when speaking about Chuck, but it's actually a fact that every character on this show is likable. I couldn't remember the last time a show went perfect from the field in this category, so I went back to check the tapes. Turns out its the first of its kind. It is the chicken and the egg of television. This show could almost make LeBron look like a good dude.

Finally, we'll end with the LOST factor, where we highlight another reason why this show can satisfy any LOST fanatic. This week, lets talk about going multiple episodes without mentioning a story line. This season of Chuck seems to revolve around finding Mrs. Bartowski. This week they barely said a word about it. LOST invented the disappearing storyline routine. You could go weeks without learning anything about the hatch, or the others, or any other major questions and then bang, they launch right back into it. Expect Chuck to follow suit and at some point go right back into the hardcore search for Mama Bartowski without mentioning why they didn't bother looking for her in previous episodes. Its TV gold.

Survivor - In Surprise Move, Show Ends After 3 Eps [Reality]

In what is certainly a bold strategy by CBS, the network has decided to end this season of Survivor after only three tribal councils. Ok that's not true, but you know what, I wouldn't blame them. Reality TV is all about the characters, and since I literally hate every person on this season with the exception of the player sent home this week, posting a write up is pretty difficult. Lets see how far we get this week, but no promises.

The show started off by showing the aftermath of the last tribal council. With Shannon being voted out, the young guns tried to rationalize voting out a strong competitor by noting the increase unity the tribe will now have. Every young gun seemed on board with the exception of Naonka, and you know what, go figure. She hasn't had a good thing to say about anyone so far this season. Now, I definitely hate everyone on the young squad, every single one, but she is by far the worst. I fast forward every time she is talking to the camera, because if I hear one more "mmm hmm" or "no she didn't" I will attempt to swim in a river with my mouth open.

Meanwhile the old tribe went in search for food, found some monkeys, and Jimmy Johnson tried communicating with them. Things seemed to be going well but he mentioned , quite astutely, that he could be doing much better if he had Terry Bradshaw there to translate. Nice one Jimmy.

Then it was onto the challenge, which was close, but the young tribe came out on top despite holding on to the medallion of power. Since this will be the last Survivor post of the season, let me just say the people who come up with the challenges are ridiculously talented. In the many seasons of Survivor I've watched, there have been very few blowouts. Think about this season. There are a bunch of really old people who aren't especially bright trying to beat a group of young, sprite individuals. They shouldnt even be in the same game, yet each challenge has been very competitive. I'm amazed by this, and now you all can be too.

At tribal council, the old people decided Jimmy Johnson was the weak link and sent him home. I guess they didn't think everything through. Had they known the show was over once Jimmy left, maybe they would of cast their votes elsewhere. Then again maybe not, its hard to tell if old people ever know whats going on. See ya never Survivor.

Hawaii 5-O: It’s never good when Chevy has to sponsor your show [Cancel Watch]

This week on Hawaii 5-O some former NSA bro got kidnapped because he had created this hacker joint that allowed you to hack all the joints. Bad news for America. The episode played out like the clichéd cop show that it is:

1. Crime (Kidnapping)
2. Investigation
3. Revelation – they find the big clue
4. Tracing a phone call
5. Hand to hand combat
6. Find the bad guys’ hideout
7. Firefight
8. Good guys win

I won’t get too deep into the details, but that’s mostly because I don’t remember much. Scott Caan had like one somewhat funny douche bag line again. Even these shit writers can’t hold him down forever. Also this was a pretty crazy revelation for me: Jin from LOST (no idea what his name is on this show, probably something native-ish) is a really bad actor. I’ve seen every episode of LOST ever, and I never noticed that Jin was this bad. There are multiple ways to explain this:

1. The LOST writers were so good they made everyone else look good
2. Because Jin didn’t speak English in LOST, it was easy for him to mask his lack of ability, because he basically just stood around squinting and fishing every season
3. The opposite of #1 – the Hawaii Five-O writers are so bad, they make even talented actors look poor

I don’t know which one is correct – maybe it’s a combination of all three. WTF do I know.

The second thing I noticed was that this episode was sponsored by the all new Chevrolet Cruise. You know a show fucking sucks when it has to get sponsored, and it especially sucks when it is sponsored by a crap domestic car company living on life support paid for via your taxes. This episode was sponsored by you. Nice investment, sucker. Good luck getting a return on that. The last thing of note was Justin Biebler’s retard cousin (playing the part of the kidnapped guy’s son) in this episode. I’m pretty sure Biebler was on CSI like last week, but Hawaii Five-O is so bootleg CBS can only get the stunt double. Either that or every kid looks like Justin Biebler these days. I don’t know, I couldn’t tell you the last time I saw a little kid.

Gossip Girl - Can I keep this baby?

Gossip Girl is back and, guess what, I still like it. The glitz and glamour of the Upper East Side will never cease to be interesting especially while Chuck still gets to utter lines like "We don’t need tickets, I’m Chuck Bass." Mark Zuckerberg would never say something like this, which is precisely why I will not be seeing the new Facebook movie.

What’s the point of being a boy billionaire if you don’t swag out a bit?

Anyways, the second episode was pretty good but there were some moments that confused the shit out of me:

Blair drinking Martinis on the streets outside The Hamilton Club – Let’s quickly run through all the things wrong with this picture. First, Blair is a college freshman and, as such, is way under the legal drinking age. Second, you cannot drink on the streets of New York City. I know this for a fact. I had a buddy who got caught drinking a beer on a sidewalk near Union Square and he spent the night in jail. Note: it probably did not help matters that he referred to his arresting officers as "oinkers." Third: sitting on concrete steps is not glamorous. Sitting on steps is only appropriate if you are getting your hair braided and I doubt Blair would ever agree to that.

Serena’s weird cape-gown from fashion night out – This was the worst I have seen Serena look in awhile. Yes, her boobs were out but her face looked weird and her hair seemed dirty. Who are the stylists for this show? Did you see what they did to Jenny Humphrey last year? My god, she was hard to look at. If the stylists give Serena the Jenny treatment, I am done. You hear me stylists? Done.

Dan trying to keep the baby that isn’t his – First of all, I have no babies (that I’m aware of) but am terrified by the thought of them. I’ve played out the following scenario in my head 1000 times:

Girl – I’m pregnant
Me – How is that possible? I didn’t even have an orgasm
Girl – It must be god’s way of telling you what a great father you’ll be
Me – God is a serious douche bag.
Girl – Don’t say that!
Me – Well can you at least get an abortion? I’ll pay for it.
Girl (horrified) – Absolutely not. We are raising this child together
Me – Sounds good
/Goes and jumps into a volcano

So yeah, not sure why Dan would want to keep that kid.

Lone Star: Bitches be snoopin [Cancel Watch]

I gave this show some solid hate after the pilot episode, but it’s really not that bad. This episode starts out with Bob eloping to Vegas and marrying Lindsay. Now this dude has two wives, both in Texas, and is up to his ears deep in both of his cons. The interesting aspects of this episode surround the million dollar land purchase Bob made (both to keep the con going in Midland and to get things started on the wind farm project).

As is becoming the norm, there is drama between Bob and his dad. His pops seems like a sensitive little bitch to me. Stop getting pissed at your son over stupid shit. Be a man dammit. They straighten their shit out and get back to what they do best: conning these southern idiots out of their money. Bob & his pops work together to get Drew (Bob’s brother in law on the oil family side) to get his act together and in their corner, then use Drew as a prop to get the father in law behind the wind farm.

As Bob is away working on this Lindsay starts to realize Bob has no one to invite to the wedding, and after some prodding from her cunt mom, starts snooping around in Bob’s life. She looks at his high school yearbook and realizes he isn’t even in it. BFD I say, this piece needs to chill out.

On the oil/wind farm front, things are running smoothly. Bob’s dad, posing as the technical expert for the project, has been welcomed into the fold and been given an office. I’ve gotta say, the oldest son of the oil tycoon is clearly the sharpest of the bunch. He hasn’t ever trusted Bob, and would never have let any of this nonsense get started in the first place. The episode end with Bob's dad sneaking into the offices to look at some financial statements, then calling up his boy and saying he needs his help to rob the place.

Before I end this post, I want to make a parallel between someone in my life and Bob. There is this one kid I live with who has been living two separate lives for some time now. He has been conning these two broads into falling in love with him for months. He hangs out with one on Friday, kicks her to the curb Saturday morning, and has the other over Saturday night. The guy is as hot as a pistol when it comes to the ladies, especially with Asians Hispanics half-breeds? minorities. Every time I see this guy pulling the double whammy on a weekend, I can’t help but think of Lone Star. Who knows, maybe someday he will end up just like Bob, living two lives and taking money from innocent southern folks.

Bones - The Lynchpin [Life Lessons]

Bones premiered last Thursday. This review is going up the following Tuesday. Does it matter? No, because talking about Bones is always a good time. (Full disclosure: I started watching Bones reruns over the summer because there was nothing else on. It started as a joke and ended up on the dvr list).

The beginning of this season begins with the return of all the characters from their individual adventures. Then they solve one murder, and then another. That’s all there is to each and every episode, except we normally only get one mystery solved. There is never anything going on plot wise. They solve a different murder every week, and they are never wrong.

The one theme that did resonate throughout this particular episode is group dynamics, specifically identifying the keystone/lynchpin member who keeps the group together. To the surprise of no one, I am the keystone to this blog and the whole episode really hit home. The only two differences between the episode and real life were the following:

1. They spent the whole episode evaluating the merits of each character to see if they were the true lynchpin. It didn’t take nearly as long in real life.

2. By the end of the episode, there was no unanimous lynchpin. There are no ties in real life or this blog.

I’m looking forward to another murder mystery solved this week to go along with some serious life lessons. Bones has layers.

The Event - Showing the Love in Episode 2

You wanted answers? Boom, The Event answered more questions than I even knew I had.

Where did the plane go? Just outside Euma, Arizona (shoutouts to Papa Giorgio)
Who are the prisoners in Alaska? Aliens, who share 99% of our genetic code.
Where did the chick from Disturbia go to school? MIT.

I absolutely loved 2/3 of these but the fact that the Disturbia girl went to MIT almost made the show unwatchable for me. Come on, hot girls don’t like computers/math/physics. Everyone knows that. Also, every hot girl (with the exception of black chicks) knows how to swim. It just comes with the territory.

Outside of the MIT oversight, episode two was another step in the right direction. Having the Alaskan aliens kill every passenger from flight Miami to Euma and stacking their bodies in the desert was a nice touch. This is, essentially, a declaration of war and we haven’t had open war on our television screens since MASH (note: the previous statement is likely not true).

Two episodes in and I am loving The Event. I just feel full after watching it. They give answers but don’t give too much. Last week, I wrote about how Lost and The Event were very similar but I’ve changed my tune a little after week 2. I can’t remember a time when I was satisfied with Lost. I loved it but I never felt the love in return. With The Event, I already feel like I’m getting a little something back. Now, that could certainly change as we drift deeper into the show but I’m hoping it doesn’t. Bring on the Alien War.

Smartest Kid on Earth Completes Triple Flip

When did this seem like a good idea...



New cancel watch post below...

Outsourced: I think we all saw this coming [Cancel Watch]

For all the hate NBC gets, their Thursday night comedy lineup is pretty solid. Last season’s 8pm-10pm run of The Office, Parks and Rec, Community and 30 Rock was always good for some laughs. The Office may have been down, but Parks & Rec had one of its best seasons, 30 Rock came back strong, and Community was possibly the top new show on TV.

With a lineup like that, one might wonder just why NBC gets so much hate. Well, the start of this season showed us exactly why. NBC had the genius idea of replacing Parks & Rec with a little show called Outsourced. The premise: life working in a call center in India. The main character is a white guy who went off to management training only to return and find that the call center he worked at in the US had been moved to India. He is forced to move there and manage the new center. What a fucking hilarious idea for a show. Listen, I find racist racially based humor as funny as the next guy, but this is pretty weak. You can’t tell me you’ll get more comedy out of a bunch of Indian people taking calls from rednecks than you will out of the Parks & Rec cast.

NBC demonstrated just how piss poor their premise was in the season premiere of Outsourced Thursday night. The show came off as clichéd and poorly written and acted - just not funny. The fact that they named one of the main characters manmeat shows that this show doesn’t have any staying power. That shit wasn’t funny from the moment he introduced himself, and you’re going to try to get laughs from that for the entire season? The entire episode was forgettable, and the only real positive I took away was the cute blonde Australian chick (love the accent) who will probably hook up with the main character at some point this season.

So Outsourced is exactly what we all thought it would be – played out, overdone humor that will not last. This might be the second strongest Cancel Watch so far (behind Chase of course) in this young fall season. Apparently all the red-dots were really excited to watch this show – and I bet they all thought it was downright hilarious because none of them have any idea what is funny. I once watched The Blind Side with a bunch of guys, one of whom was straight outta Pakistan, and this dude was dying laughing at shit that not a single white person would ever think is funny. So unless NBC can get every programmer and IT employee to watch this show, they are in trouble.

Community - New Class, New Episode

After a strong season one, Community came back last night with a solid performance, although there are a couple plot lines I didn't like. Lets run through the episode a little bit.

The episode covers the first day of classes at Greendale. The group needs to take a new class because Senor Chang is no longer teaching. The choice is anthropology, taught by the queen of geriatrics Betty White. This brings me to dislike number one. Aren't all the classroom scenes going to be awful in comparison to the Spanish classes of last season? Chang used to run a tight ship. He ruled with absolute power. Betty used a blow dart and drank her own urine. Old people are weird.

The rest of the episode centered around Britta becoming popular after getting shut down by Jeff in the season one finale. And here lies problem number two. I actually love Britta's character, but only when she's a buzz kill and gets made fun of. She was none of that this week, which means she was just another terrible female. Don't be smug Britta, be a nauseous killjoy.

Even with these two issues, there were plenty of laughs. Senor Chang killed in the classroom while Jeff was being serious, and Troy and Pierce also had some great moments (hit me on twittaaa). The best part of every episode remains the Troy and Abed short. Betty White joined this week, they sang a classic (Toto - Africa), and it was downright enjoyable.

Modern Family - The worst blog post of all time

Full Disclosure: I watched Modern Family while texting and eating simultaneously so some of the details may have slipped through the cracks. With that said, I’m pretty sure I know what happened.

To prove it, here is a one sentence recap: Gays build princess castle and one gay is bad at building while Manny dates little girls while station wagons brings family closer together. Boom! Recap complete.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s discuss two aspects of the show that bother me:

First, Manny is not funny. Not even a little. This dude is a certifiable loser. He’s just a fat kid who talks like an adult. Did I miss anything?

Second, I am in love with Gloria. I would gladly trade all of my pogs, slammers, and pokemon cards (except Charizard) for one date with her. She is the perfect combination of sweet, spicy, and booby. Plus I like the fact that she’s a semi-famous actress.

Congratulations, you just read the worst blog post of all time.

Lonestar: You gotta keep your pimp hand strong

Lonestar is a show that I really hadn’t heard anything about as we headed into the start of the fall television season. As we’re getting the DVR setup, we basically start off recording every primetime show on the major networks. So I went into the pilot episode with no pretences.

Halfway through the episode I wasn’t sold. The show wasn’t glaringly bad, but I also didn’t find myself interested in the story or the main characters. Things get SWEET as you get deeper into the episode. The main character Rob is a guy in his late 20s who is a con man living two separate lives. One is in the small town of Midland, Texas where he lives a simple life with his girlfriend. The other is Dallas or Houston or some shit, and he is married to the daughter of an oil man. The con in the first life is that he is an oil man, selling shares to a reserve and promising huge profits down the line. Rob has basically taken the retirement savings of everyone in town. The second con is that Rob has worked his way into this wealthy oil family, up the ladder in his father-in-law’s oil company – and just received a big promotion. Now he is gonna rob the shit outta the place.

Rob works with his father, who has been a con man his whole life and forced his son into the game. Rob, as evidenced by his double life, is very good at what he does. Rob has taken on the role as the face of whatever organization they are using to con people, and Rob’s dad does the behind the scenes work. Rob gets away with his double life because his “job” forces him to spend time on the road. This dude is so damn charming that both his shorties are fine with having to spend half their time at home alone. FYI both his wife and his side piece are solid pulls.

Now, the problem is that Rob has allowed himself to become attached to both of his lives, as he is in love with both shorties. Rob and his father run into a problem when the lawyer for one of the people he conned in Midland demands to see a deed for the land they are supposedly prospecting for oil. Rob tells his dad he is not leaving, but in the middle of the night realizes he doesn’t have an out, kisses his side piece goodbye and bounces.

This is where things pick up to some degree – you think he’s down to a single con, but through his promotion at the actual oil company he is tasked with prospecting and creating new revenue streams for the firm. He decides he will buy the tract of land in Midland with the oil company's money, but under his name. This is under the guise of creating a wind farm, and will allow him to keep the both cons going for now. Rob’s father of course objects to the idea (because it’s retarded) but Rob goes through with it anyway. This idiot is head over heels in love with two girls, on some serious GF nonsense, and if he had just kept his damn pimp hand strong and not caught feelings he wouldn’t have any of these issues.

Here is how I would write the second episode:

1. Rob (I’m just now realizing I think the guys name is Bob, but no way I’m going back and changing that shit) doesn’t buy the land and bails on his side piece to focus on the oil company con.
2. He jacks the idiots at the oil company for all they’re worth – and moves with his pops to Jamaica to live in a tropical paradise for the rest of their lives.
3. They get off the plane in Kingston, catch a cab to Sandals, but get jacked by Spragga Benz and his homies on the way there, get shanked and die.
4. Boom, show over.

Hopefully this show gets cancelled soon or picks up so I don’t have to write too many more shitty summaries. The “THIS SEASON ON LONESTAR” at the end of the episode wasn’t too promising. Also, I have way too many other shows to watch. I know at the beginning of this I said Lonestar was sweet, but that was just to get you to read the review. I'm gonna put the [Cancel Watch] down here for that same reason.

Survivor - Are you gay? [RealLife]

This week on Survivor people from both tribes lost it a little bit. The episode started in the senior center with Jimmy Johnson running the daily morning meeting. Let me just say, the only way you can dislike JJ is if you hate your own life.....and cue Jimmy T. The guy is such a goddamn curmudgeon. You were dealt a bad hand man, get over it. I thought for sure he would be the one to snap, but it turns out one of the women decided they'd go Russell Hantz on the tribe and ruin another castaway's possessions. Holly, a swimming coach or some shit, let us know she wont be around too much longer because she's bat shit crazy. She threw one of the guy's shoes into the ocean, apologized, wanted to leave, got talked back into the game by Coach, all culminating in being happy again. I thought old people didn't menstruate?

Meanwhile the young bucks were offended we said Glee was the most insensitive show on the air and decided to shut us up. First it was Sash, who decided the minorities should stick together and immediately tried to align with Naonka and Brenda. This guy claims he's half black, in which case I respond I am part Navajo. Your move Sash. Naonka, following suit, stole someone's personal belongings (socks) and managed to proclaim her hatred for both Fabio and Kelly hop-a-long. These people have been out here less than a week.

The immunity challenge saw the oldies beat the newbies with the help of the medallion of power. I don't think I like this new wrinkle and here's why. It gives the teams too easy an excuse for why they lost. They can all blame the medallion instead of each other. Where's the fun in that? Then again, maybe they upped the bat shit crazy level this season as a counterbalance, because tribal council was fantastic.

Shannon, the resident redneck, felt his five day ring of trust had betrayed him and he was gon' speak his mind. Man did he bring it. Out of nowhere he comes with the line of the night, good enough for title material. As soon as they got there he inquired about Sash's personal life:

"I'm just gonna come out and say it...Are you gay?"

Some may find this brash or offensive, but I don't, especially since he's probably right. And as for his assumption about a lot of gays living in New York...spot on. I live here and its fierce. After the vote, it was no surprise he was sent packing. Slater.

Glee Premier

Let me just start by saying that Glee is not a good television show. The singing/dancing is over-the-top corny and many of the characters are loathsome as hell. With that said, Monday’s premier was incredibly enjoyable.

The show starts off with a Jewish blogger interviewing various members of the glee club. When he gets to Glee director Will Schuster, Will tries to defend the Club’s song choices by saying:

"We have something for everyone. 25% Hip Hop, 25% show tunes…
The blogger interrupts him… "And 100% gay"

This slayed me and is typical of when Glee is at its best. Glee is the most insensitive show in the history of television and is amazing when it sticks to those core values. The premier did just that. The primary victims this week were the Asians. Tina (fat/goth Asian) broke up with wheelchair boy and is now dating Other Male Asian. Apparently, they met at "Asian Camp" where they teach tech-savy little Asians other basic life skills. There is also the new girl from the Philippines. She has a hello kitty backpack…enough said. Just to summarize, Asians only date other Asians, they love technology and hello kitty. C’mon Glee writers this episode is just prain lacist.

Before you say, "Well they made fun of Asians, big deal. I do that all the time" you should probably know that Glee did not stop there. They also have a retarded girl judge cheerleading tryouts. I’ll just come right out and say it, what does a retard know about cheerleading?

Oh, lest I forget, they have a gigantic she-male named Shannon Bieste (pronounced Beast) coaching the football team now and, guess what, she is accused of molesting a cheerleader. Didn’t see that coming.

I have no idea how Glee is getting away with this but it’s downright diabolical. Speaking of diabolical listen to this quote from Cheerleading Coach Sue Sylvester directed at a girl who recently got breast implants:

Sue – "Take your juicy, vine-ripened chest fruit and get the hell out of my office."

Love it! Take an issue (teenager insecurity) and deal with it as sloppily as possible.

Don’t ever change Glee. Don't ever change

Running Wilde - It's my thing [HaHas]

Running Wilde ended up on my DVR and I had no idea what it was or how it got there. Seeing as how surprise recordings are gifts from a higher being, I showed my appreciation by turning it on immediately.

Turns out this is a show with Will Arnett as Steven Wilde, an over the top, eccentric trust fund baby who hasn’t worked a day in his life (he’s the man). In what seems very Billy Madison-esque, he is ridiculously sheltered and knows nothing of the real world, even throwing a party in the episode just so he can give himself an award (His reasoning: “I wanted an award”). The man is nothing if not complex.

As pilots tend to do, we are introduced to all the supporting characters at some point during the episode. Let’s take a look at their funniest moments.

Emmy – Wilde’s love interest, she comes from the other side of the tracks, having grown up poor. She’s been living in South America with her daughter trying to protect the rain forest from God knows what. Her biggest laugh: Nothing. Hopefully she becomes the object of some jokes because as a female, she can never technically be funny on her own.

Puddle – Emmy’s child, she spends the episode trying to keep her mother from making them move back to South America. Biggest Laugh: After they decide to stay in the US, she exclaims, “Yay, I’ll go to the car to get my thing!” It’s a reference to how poor she is because she only has one thing, not things. You know what, forget it.

Mr. Lunt and Migo – Steve’s nanny and servant, these flamboyant gentlemen treat Steve like their own son. I know they were in plenty of scenes, I just don’t remember a single thing they did. Biggest Laugh: ?

Fa’ad – Steve’s equally eccentric neighbor, his relationship with Steve should be the moneymaker for this show. Biggest Laugh: Pretending to be a psychiatrist.

By my count, there are only two characters I liked, Steve and Fa’ad. Will I tune in next week? Yes. Does it have the potential to get old quickly? Yes. Will I tune in even if it gets old quickly? Yes. Do I have any standards when it comes to TV shows? I watched the entire episode of Chase last night, so you tell me.

Chase Premier Review [Cancel Watch]

All I can say is wow. Do people still think Jerry Bruckheimer is good a producing things? Here’s a list of his last 7 contributions:

Chase (TV) – I cannot stress enough how bad this is
Dark Blue (TV) - Ummm okay
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (Movie) – Did this even come out in theaters?
The Forgotten (TV) – Never heard of it
Miami Medical (TV) – Good lord, really?
CSI Miami (TV) – Really getting out of his comfort zone on this one.
Prince of Persia (Movie) – Somehow managed to make Jake Gyllenhal gayer than his character in Brokeback Mountain.
This man produces more stinkers than Irritable Bowel Syndrome but he has really outdone himself with Chase which is why it becomes the first show on The Alive Ghosts cancel watch.

Congratulations Chase, it only took one episode. (Note: You can scroll to the bottom for a one-word review)

Here are some lowlights from the Chase hour premier:
The show opens with a blonde chick (Annie Frost) and a dude with curly hair (Not even bothering to look up his character’s name) chasing a dope slinger through some type of rodeo. Long story short, the blonde chick catches up to him and kicks his ass but not before the following exchange:

Dope Slinger – "Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to play with guns?
Blonde Chick – "My mother died when I was 8…so no."
/Chokeout ensues
Curly haired partner approaches the scene
Curly haired partner – "Nice snag boots!"
End scene

Okay where to begin with the first scene. I don’t think this chick has super powers so there is no way she beats up a fully grown man. Strike 1
How long was her mother going to wait before warning her daughter about the dangers of guns? Isn’t this a life lesson that should be taught fairly early? Strike 2
What was a dope slinger doing at a rodeo? This makes no sense. Strike 3
Where was the curly haired guy during the fight? Did he get lost? Was he tired? Strike 4
Her nickname is BOOTS! Strike 5.

Chase was on the air for three minutes and almost struck out twice. We could be witnessing history here.

Next scene features the main character from John Tucker Must Die as a recent transfer trying to make it on the team with Boots and curly haired guy and ….you know what. I’ll do us all a favor and stop the review here. I should have done this hundreds of words ago.

One-Word Review: diarrheaonmyscreen

House - Is Anyone Safe from GF Nonsense?

After tonight's episode, no. House is the smartest guy on TV, which by default means he is the single brightest mind in the world. The fact that he is susceptible to getting into a relationship speaks to the fallibility of males. I love House and would almost never question his judgment, but I cant let this decision slide. This is not a good idea and nothing good will ever come of it. If I blame anyone it's Wilson. When House told Wilson he was seeing Cuddy, he should have stopped worrying about the vicodin and more about this relationship nonsense. Anyways, here's what went down this week.

The episode started off with House and Cuddy holed up in House's apartment for the day. Now let's follow this story line for a little bit, shall we? They drank tea (awesome), played some Boggle-like word game (count me in), and looked for flights to France (Ciao!). Had enough? Yeah me too.

While House is was off having the time of his life, the hospital was dealing with the possible closing of its ER due to staff shortages. The hospital scenes allowed for a healthy dose of Dr. Chase. Now I cant say for sure, but I think he is turning into the best character on the show. Every bit of air time he got tonight he turned into gold. Whether he was trying to sell himself as a neurosurgeon or asking Thirteen if she wanted to have sex, he helps prove my point above. He was one of my least favorite characters while he was with Cameron, but now that hes single and mixing it up, hes been making serious strides.

I have this college relationship theory I'm going to loosely tie into this whole thing. When you're in school, you only have three to five hours of commitment each day, allowing yourself ten or so hours to do as you please. This is more than enough time to be in a relationship while also having a little time to yourself. Its the best of both worlds scenario, but it could also cover up some serious holes in your relationship. These holes won't come to light until you leave the ivory towers. When you join the work force, the ratio of commitment to free time is flipped on its head, and for a lot of relationships that's all she wrote. Free time becomes the minority and boom, relationships get the ax. Science tells me this happens at a 94% clip.

I think this is just as applicable to character air time in TV shows. If you're in a relationship on TV, it sucks up all your face time and leaves you no free time to be cool, funny, or enjoyable. That's why Chase's stock is at a three year high and House isn't looking as solid as usual. Make sense?

The episode ended with news that Thirteen left with no intention of going to treatment. The team has no idea where she went, so I guess we'll have to see how that works out for her terminal illness. That's all I got for this episode, I'll be back next week as long as my girlfriend doesn't have anything planned.

Straight Up G

If your cat can top this then send it in...this cat is swagging so f-ing hard...


(suspect714)

Hawaii Five-O: Apparently there was only room for one good show filmed in Hawaii

They say everything is cyclical. What was popular once will come back around eventually. This is true for a lot of things: penguins, war, prostitution, MMORPGs, grated cheese, segregation. So, you have to assume that is what CBS was thinking when they decided to do a remake of Hawaii Five-0. To be fair, before I watched the pilot I was thinking this could be alright – Scott Caan, beach paradise, plenty of splosiontits themed episodes.

The show starts off with a bang, helicopter ambushes a convoy in South Korea, hostages, shootout, spolsions, etc. It is basically all downhill from there. The main characters are underdeveloped and clichéd and Jin from LOST has a different name and speaks perfect English (completely unrealistic, everyone knows he can’t speak English for shit). It’s not hard to make Scott Caan a sweet character – give him some funny lines and let him act like a douche bag. The writers failed at that. The other main guy won’t stfu about his father, blah blah blah my father, all episode. Really hoping he doesn’t keep that up. Even the conspiracy aspect of the show (almost the only storyline with potential) was basically an afterthought.

I won’t say that the show doesn’t give a good effort. There is plenty of shooting, an unnecessary scene where a girl is forced to take off her dress, hand to hand combat, bros drinking beers, etc. It’s just that scenes surrounding all that are pretty weak. For example, there is a big shootout on a boat, the main character Detective McGarrett is chasing down this guy who killed his dad and who he has been chasing for most of his career. He catches the guy, gets into a fight and ends up shooting him. The bad guy falls off the boat into the water. McGarrett walks over to the edge, and the body is nowhere to be found. He just goes, “Hey partner, make sure the coast guard fishes that body from outta the water.” Really bro? You’ve been chasing this guy for years, he just killed your dad, and you’re just going to assume he sank to the bottom and walk away?

Hopefully this show takes a turn for the better, because the pilot was pretty much the opposite of The Event. That being said, it’s dialled in on the DVR and that means I’ll probably watch every episode this season, so it doesn’t really matter anyway.

Fantasy Factory - Let's talk about Man-Shit

As many of our loyal readers know, I am a classically trained ballroom dancer. As such, I appreciate and am well-versed in "man-shit." Man-shit covers a wide range of activities, examples of which include: Tackling a wild boar, drinking Jameson Irish Whiskey out of the bottle, listening to this speech: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rFx6OFooCs, arm wrestling, and many others.

For comparison purposes, examples of non-man shit or "Weak Shit" include: holding hands, drinking wine, French kissing, slow dancing, and many others.

Now that we are on the same page, let’s talk about the most recent episode of Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory. SPOILER ALERT: It’s all about Man-Shit

The episode does a pretty good job of capturing the essence of man but misses the mark a few times. With that in mind, I will assign moments in the episode a number of Jameson shots based on how manly those moments were. The more Jameson shots, the more manly. Here we go:

Rob and Drama sleeping in tents instead of in their rented mansion (1 Jameson shot): This is just retarded. Sleeping outside in generally pretty manly if it is your only option but you should not sleep outside to prove a point. That is just bad decision-making and man shit is all about solid life choices. "Have fun sleeping on the ground nerd. If you need me, I’ll be drinking a protein shake on my waterbed."

Danny Way (100 Jameson shots): This man invented skateboard big air. He INVENTED it! Danny Way could starting doing something super gay like play lacrosse and he’d still be more of a man than anyone I know.

Drama in a rash-guard/wet suit (3 lemondrop shots): Drama is built exactly like Calista Flockhart. A man should never be that skinny unless he has cancer and even then it’s questionable. Nothing good happens to really skinny people. For example, I once knew a Jamaican guy who was about as skinny as Drama and he’s dead now.

Throwing axes at tree stumps (5 Jameson shots): What’s not to like here? Deadly weapons, chopped-up trees, displays of physical strength. This activity has it all and gets bonus points for being relatively obscure.

Squid Hunting (3 Jameson shots): This would have earned more Jameson shots if the activity didn’t involve snorkeling. "Nice flippers asshole."

I’ve had one of my statistics gurus do the math (thanks for the number crunch Abdul) and he informs me the episode finished with a total of 109 Jameson shots and 3 lemon drop shots. Not too shabby.

If you have questions about man-shit feel free to email us at thealiveghosts@gmail.com

Chuck - How does it do it? Show reinvents itself by changing nothing.

Ill words will never be spoken about Chuck in this section of the internet. What bad is there to say when you can pencil in forty minutes of entertainment every week? Like the godfather of this genre, Las Vegas, Chuck doesn’t take itself seriously, and for some people this makes it unenjoyable. I say the opposite. Mercy and Trauma both tried going serious and then boom, see ya never. There is something to be said for a person or program that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Chuck has that quality and its down right endearing.

Now that we agree with the premise that Chuck never disappoints, the season premiere did not disappoint. There are a few things that stand out; first being new blood. Nothing breathes new life into a show more than new characters, and I don’t think Chuck could have made a better decision. Olivia Munn of G4’s Attack of the Show is the newest CIA/Nerd Herder amalgam. I put her just ahead of Hannah and Lester as far as good looking nerd herders go and light years above Anna. I don’t know how long she’ll be on the show, but I have a good feeling about her and I’m buoyant on her contributions going forward.

Next point of emphasis: Stereotypes. I love that the show has set stereotypes which bend, but never break. John Casey loves guns. We all know this, yet it always brings me joy when I see him in complete nirvana while he unloads on insurgents. Same goes for everyone else. They all have shticks and do them well. I eat at the same places all the time because I like the food. I hang out with the same people every weekend because I enjoy their company. Why should TV be any different? Chuck is just a TV show trying to bro out. Sure, the show has introduced new sides to its characters over the course of the series, but they have done it in such a great, anti-Heroes way that I actually don’t mind it. The show still knows which side its bread is buttered.

In case I missed something, here is the full recap of the first episode; airplanes, gun fights, computers, CIA, the Buy More, sexting.

All in all, the first episode of the season is tied for best episode in TV history with every other Chuck episode. I credit the writers, job well done. Hey LOST fans, I heard you were in the market for a new show with mystery? What is up with Chuck’s super agent Mom? I don’t know either.

Seinfeld - TBS really does know funny (UPDATE)

(UPDATE: I've been inundated with emails, apparently Seinfeld was an extremely popular show in the 1990's and has been off the air for some time. I'll keep this summary up, but do not expect any further episode summaries of this show.)


I was sitting on the couch recently and noticed the television in front of me was playing an episode of a show called Seinfeld. It must have been a new one, as I had not seen it. This episode was filled with a number of ironic and comical situations which made it enjoyable to watch.

1. The female character, Elaine, has a female friend who is a physical therapist. Elaine introduces George, the goofy, balding, fat character to the physical therapist. George volunteers that he has been having some pain in his joint and asks that she take a look at it. The therapist says of course, here is my business card why don’t you schedule an appointment for next week. Then she leaves. George immediately becomes upset because all these doctor types insist on being treated as “delicate geniuses” who can’t be asked to perform their craft outside the confines of their cushy office. I’ll tell you, this had me laughing.

2. Jerry Seinfeld is the main character in the show, and this episode has him going to his grandmother’s house to open a bottle of ketchup for her. When Jerry gets there, his uncle Leo has been called to open the ketchup as well. Jerry and Leo fight over who should open the Ketchup, with Jerry eventually submitting to Leo. Hilarious. Then things get interesting: Jerry’s grandmother then says to Leo: “Did you ever give your sister that $50 you owe her from the track?” This sparks Jerry’s interest, as Leo’s sister is his mother. Jerry asks his grandmother for details and she says Jerry’s grandfather won $1,000 at the track, gave $100 to Leo with instructions to give $50 to his sister. Leo dismisses the claim, saying this was 50 years ago. Jerry, with his sharp Jewish mind, is not fooled. He calls his mother to tell her what he heard. Jerry’s father then spends the rest of the episode calculating how much interest his wife is owed on the $50 dollars, when calculated over a 53 year period. How funny is that. Uncle Leo, now worried Jerry and his parents are onto him, puts his mother into a home. Jerry sees right through this, and goes to the home to visit his grandmother. While there he meets an old friend of his father, who happened to be at the horse track the day his father won the $1,000. Leo shows up, and is immediately busted.

3. Not to be outdone, Jerry’s wiry, energetic neighbour Cosmo Kramer has some true moments of comedy during this episode as well. Kramer, as his is called, gets the idea to post pictures in the Lobby of everyone in his and Jerry’s apartment building. This way, everyone can say hello to each other, call their neighbours by name, and be friendly. Jerry is 100% against this, as he has recently decided to stop allowing people to kiss him hello (such as the physical therapist from the first scene) and doesn’t want to talk to his neighbours anyway. Kramer proceeds with the idea anyway, and now Jerry is stuck in his Lobby talking to his neighbours all day and getting kissed hello. Pure comedy. Eventually, he stands up to the kiss hello, telling two of his neighbours he will no longer be doing it, and asking that they stop. They are not happy. Next scene, Jerry is in the lobby getting shunned by all his neighbours as he desperately tries to get back in their good graces. The episode ends with a neighbour closing the elevator door on him as Jerry runs to catch it.

This episode showed me just how absolutely hilarious Jerry and his friends can be, and I will be tuning in to TBS all season as they air new episodes. I recommend you do the same.

The Event - NBC ups the ante, blows Lost out of the Water

Free word association: rattlesnakes, razorblades, engine pistons, hungry lions, volcanoes, bikinis. Do I have your attention…Good because I watched The Event on NBC last night and it was delightful.

Clearly, whoever writes this show is a genius. They essentially took all the main components of Lost (islands, planes, "Others", Magics, jumping around in time) and repackaged them into a new show. Apparently, NBC adheres to the mantra "If it aint broke, don’t fix it" and I couldn’t agree more although they did make a few key changes which should make The Event about 100 times better than Lost.

Thing 1: They changed the location of the others from an island to a mountain in Alaska. Smart! Now they can incorporate polar bears into the story and no one will bat an eyelash.

Thing 2: It seems the main character (guy who loses the girl from Disturbia on the cruise ship) is much younger than Jack, Sawyer, Locke, etc. Young is sexy (Hi Miley!). No wrinkles for me thanks.

Thing 3: Women-folk in bikinis. Despite being on an Island, I never saw Kate in a bikini but I saw several bikini shots of attractive girls during The Event premier. NBC has done their research. People love bikinis…it’s science.

Thing 4: The main asian (guy who drives SUV next to plane) speaks English right from the get go. Unlike with Jin, we won’t have to waste valuable time listening to him speak Korean and then butcher the English language for a few seasons.

Thing 5: The president of the United States is an immigrant from Cuba, or at least I thought that’s what guy-in-meeting said. I’m not big on politics or book-learning but I’m pretty sure immigrants can’t be president. Maybe this is a clue that they are in an alternative universe where the United States doesn’t have an embargo against Cuba and Elian Gonzalez never floated onto the shores of Miami. The questions are already piling up.

I think I’ve made my point but let me summarize: The Event will be approximately 100-200 times better than Lost. NBC you’ve done it again.