Chuck - No Surprise, It was Awesome [The GOAT]

Desperately wanting to avoid a second episode let down, Chuck was cooking with gas again this past Monday. We've already gone over this show's recipe for success, so let's see how it was applied this week.

First, let's get the whole spy mission thing out of the way because it doesn't really matter. Chuck and Sarah were out looking for smart bullets equipped with GPS navigation rumored to be sold on the black market. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but lets just say this was possible, and there was a bullet out there that could lock on to a person so that aiming wasn't necessary. My only issue with the episode is that when they showed someone actually shooting the bullets, the target was only five yards away. No need for TomTom bullets when the target is in the same room. I'm not buying unless you give me some space and let me see the bullet chase someone around a corner, ya know? Needless to say, I loved the idea. They end up retrieving the bullets, the world is safe, the good guys prevail, etc.

Now lets talk about the real goods. Chuck brought in some characters that weren't present in episode one. The first new face is the legend most people know as the Old Spice guy and dare I say......he was fantastic. He plays the role of stud. He is one of the random CIA employees of the Buy More and doesn't really factor into any of the story lines. It doesn't matter. They better keep his role limited otherwise he's going to swan dive all over the show.

Then there were the characters that have been in Chuck since the beginning but were absent in the first episode. Devin, Lester, and Jeff all made their triumphant returns and all had too many good moments to recount. It may seem like I exaggerate when speaking about Chuck, but it's actually a fact that every character on this show is likable. I couldn't remember the last time a show went perfect from the field in this category, so I went back to check the tapes. Turns out its the first of its kind. It is the chicken and the egg of television. This show could almost make LeBron look like a good dude.

Finally, we'll end with the LOST factor, where we highlight another reason why this show can satisfy any LOST fanatic. This week, lets talk about going multiple episodes without mentioning a story line. This season of Chuck seems to revolve around finding Mrs. Bartowski. This week they barely said a word about it. LOST invented the disappearing storyline routine. You could go weeks without learning anything about the hatch, or the others, or any other major questions and then bang, they launch right back into it. Expect Chuck to follow suit and at some point go right back into the hardcore search for Mama Bartowski without mentioning why they didn't bother looking for her in previous episodes. Its TV gold.

Survivor - In Surprise Move, Show Ends After 3 Eps [Reality]

In what is certainly a bold strategy by CBS, the network has decided to end this season of Survivor after only three tribal councils. Ok that's not true, but you know what, I wouldn't blame them. Reality TV is all about the characters, and since I literally hate every person on this season with the exception of the player sent home this week, posting a write up is pretty difficult. Lets see how far we get this week, but no promises.

The show started off by showing the aftermath of the last tribal council. With Shannon being voted out, the young guns tried to rationalize voting out a strong competitor by noting the increase unity the tribe will now have. Every young gun seemed on board with the exception of Naonka, and you know what, go figure. She hasn't had a good thing to say about anyone so far this season. Now, I definitely hate everyone on the young squad, every single one, but she is by far the worst. I fast forward every time she is talking to the camera, because if I hear one more "mmm hmm" or "no she didn't" I will attempt to swim in a river with my mouth open.

Meanwhile the old tribe went in search for food, found some monkeys, and Jimmy Johnson tried communicating with them. Things seemed to be going well but he mentioned , quite astutely, that he could be doing much better if he had Terry Bradshaw there to translate. Nice one Jimmy.

Then it was onto the challenge, which was close, but the young tribe came out on top despite holding on to the medallion of power. Since this will be the last Survivor post of the season, let me just say the people who come up with the challenges are ridiculously talented. In the many seasons of Survivor I've watched, there have been very few blowouts. Think about this season. There are a bunch of really old people who aren't especially bright trying to beat a group of young, sprite individuals. They shouldnt even be in the same game, yet each challenge has been very competitive. I'm amazed by this, and now you all can be too.

At tribal council, the old people decided Jimmy Johnson was the weak link and sent him home. I guess they didn't think everything through. Had they known the show was over once Jimmy left, maybe they would of cast their votes elsewhere. Then again maybe not, its hard to tell if old people ever know whats going on. See ya never Survivor.

Hawaii 5-O: It’s never good when Chevy has to sponsor your show [Cancel Watch]

This week on Hawaii 5-O some former NSA bro got kidnapped because he had created this hacker joint that allowed you to hack all the joints. Bad news for America. The episode played out like the clichéd cop show that it is:

1. Crime (Kidnapping)
2. Investigation
3. Revelation – they find the big clue
4. Tracing a phone call
5. Hand to hand combat
6. Find the bad guys’ hideout
7. Firefight
8. Good guys win

I won’t get too deep into the details, but that’s mostly because I don’t remember much. Scott Caan had like one somewhat funny douche bag line again. Even these shit writers can’t hold him down forever. Also this was a pretty crazy revelation for me: Jin from LOST (no idea what his name is on this show, probably something native-ish) is a really bad actor. I’ve seen every episode of LOST ever, and I never noticed that Jin was this bad. There are multiple ways to explain this:

1. The LOST writers were so good they made everyone else look good
2. Because Jin didn’t speak English in LOST, it was easy for him to mask his lack of ability, because he basically just stood around squinting and fishing every season
3. The opposite of #1 – the Hawaii Five-O writers are so bad, they make even talented actors look poor

I don’t know which one is correct – maybe it’s a combination of all three. WTF do I know.

The second thing I noticed was that this episode was sponsored by the all new Chevrolet Cruise. You know a show fucking sucks when it has to get sponsored, and it especially sucks when it is sponsored by a crap domestic car company living on life support paid for via your taxes. This episode was sponsored by you. Nice investment, sucker. Good luck getting a return on that. The last thing of note was Justin Biebler’s retard cousin (playing the part of the kidnapped guy’s son) in this episode. I’m pretty sure Biebler was on CSI like last week, but Hawaii Five-O is so bootleg CBS can only get the stunt double. Either that or every kid looks like Justin Biebler these days. I don’t know, I couldn’t tell you the last time I saw a little kid.

Gossip Girl - Can I keep this baby?

Gossip Girl is back and, guess what, I still like it. The glitz and glamour of the Upper East Side will never cease to be interesting especially while Chuck still gets to utter lines like "We don’t need tickets, I’m Chuck Bass." Mark Zuckerberg would never say something like this, which is precisely why I will not be seeing the new Facebook movie.

What’s the point of being a boy billionaire if you don’t swag out a bit?

Anyways, the second episode was pretty good but there were some moments that confused the shit out of me:

Blair drinking Martinis on the streets outside The Hamilton Club – Let’s quickly run through all the things wrong with this picture. First, Blair is a college freshman and, as such, is way under the legal drinking age. Second, you cannot drink on the streets of New York City. I know this for a fact. I had a buddy who got caught drinking a beer on a sidewalk near Union Square and he spent the night in jail. Note: it probably did not help matters that he referred to his arresting officers as "oinkers." Third: sitting on concrete steps is not glamorous. Sitting on steps is only appropriate if you are getting your hair braided and I doubt Blair would ever agree to that.

Serena’s weird cape-gown from fashion night out – This was the worst I have seen Serena look in awhile. Yes, her boobs were out but her face looked weird and her hair seemed dirty. Who are the stylists for this show? Did you see what they did to Jenny Humphrey last year? My god, she was hard to look at. If the stylists give Serena the Jenny treatment, I am done. You hear me stylists? Done.

Dan trying to keep the baby that isn’t his – First of all, I have no babies (that I’m aware of) but am terrified by the thought of them. I’ve played out the following scenario in my head 1000 times:

Girl – I’m pregnant
Me – How is that possible? I didn’t even have an orgasm
Girl – It must be god’s way of telling you what a great father you’ll be
Me – God is a serious douche bag.
Girl – Don’t say that!
Me – Well can you at least get an abortion? I’ll pay for it.
Girl (horrified) – Absolutely not. We are raising this child together
Me – Sounds good
/Goes and jumps into a volcano

So yeah, not sure why Dan would want to keep that kid.

Lone Star: Bitches be snoopin [Cancel Watch]

I gave this show some solid hate after the pilot episode, but it’s really not that bad. This episode starts out with Bob eloping to Vegas and marrying Lindsay. Now this dude has two wives, both in Texas, and is up to his ears deep in both of his cons. The interesting aspects of this episode surround the million dollar land purchase Bob made (both to keep the con going in Midland and to get things started on the wind farm project).

As is becoming the norm, there is drama between Bob and his dad. His pops seems like a sensitive little bitch to me. Stop getting pissed at your son over stupid shit. Be a man dammit. They straighten their shit out and get back to what they do best: conning these southern idiots out of their money. Bob & his pops work together to get Drew (Bob’s brother in law on the oil family side) to get his act together and in their corner, then use Drew as a prop to get the father in law behind the wind farm.

As Bob is away working on this Lindsay starts to realize Bob has no one to invite to the wedding, and after some prodding from her cunt mom, starts snooping around in Bob’s life. She looks at his high school yearbook and realizes he isn’t even in it. BFD I say, this piece needs to chill out.

On the oil/wind farm front, things are running smoothly. Bob’s dad, posing as the technical expert for the project, has been welcomed into the fold and been given an office. I’ve gotta say, the oldest son of the oil tycoon is clearly the sharpest of the bunch. He hasn’t ever trusted Bob, and would never have let any of this nonsense get started in the first place. The episode end with Bob's dad sneaking into the offices to look at some financial statements, then calling up his boy and saying he needs his help to rob the place.

Before I end this post, I want to make a parallel between someone in my life and Bob. There is this one kid I live with who has been living two separate lives for some time now. He has been conning these two broads into falling in love with him for months. He hangs out with one on Friday, kicks her to the curb Saturday morning, and has the other over Saturday night. The guy is as hot as a pistol when it comes to the ladies, especially with Asians Hispanics half-breeds? minorities. Every time I see this guy pulling the double whammy on a weekend, I can’t help but think of Lone Star. Who knows, maybe someday he will end up just like Bob, living two lives and taking money from innocent southern folks.

Bones - The Lynchpin [Life Lessons]

Bones premiered last Thursday. This review is going up the following Tuesday. Does it matter? No, because talking about Bones is always a good time. (Full disclosure: I started watching Bones reruns over the summer because there was nothing else on. It started as a joke and ended up on the dvr list).

The beginning of this season begins with the return of all the characters from their individual adventures. Then they solve one murder, and then another. That’s all there is to each and every episode, except we normally only get one mystery solved. There is never anything going on plot wise. They solve a different murder every week, and they are never wrong.

The one theme that did resonate throughout this particular episode is group dynamics, specifically identifying the keystone/lynchpin member who keeps the group together. To the surprise of no one, I am the keystone to this blog and the whole episode really hit home. The only two differences between the episode and real life were the following:

1. They spent the whole episode evaluating the merits of each character to see if they were the true lynchpin. It didn’t take nearly as long in real life.

2. By the end of the episode, there was no unanimous lynchpin. There are no ties in real life or this blog.

I’m looking forward to another murder mystery solved this week to go along with some serious life lessons. Bones has layers.

The Event - Showing the Love in Episode 2

You wanted answers? Boom, The Event answered more questions than I even knew I had.

Where did the plane go? Just outside Euma, Arizona (shoutouts to Papa Giorgio)
Who are the prisoners in Alaska? Aliens, who share 99% of our genetic code.
Where did the chick from Disturbia go to school? MIT.

I absolutely loved 2/3 of these but the fact that the Disturbia girl went to MIT almost made the show unwatchable for me. Come on, hot girls don’t like computers/math/physics. Everyone knows that. Also, every hot girl (with the exception of black chicks) knows how to swim. It just comes with the territory.

Outside of the MIT oversight, episode two was another step in the right direction. Having the Alaskan aliens kill every passenger from flight Miami to Euma and stacking their bodies in the desert was a nice touch. This is, essentially, a declaration of war and we haven’t had open war on our television screens since MASH (note: the previous statement is likely not true).

Two episodes in and I am loving The Event. I just feel full after watching it. They give answers but don’t give too much. Last week, I wrote about how Lost and The Event were very similar but I’ve changed my tune a little after week 2. I can’t remember a time when I was satisfied with Lost. I loved it but I never felt the love in return. With The Event, I already feel like I’m getting a little something back. Now, that could certainly change as we drift deeper into the show but I’m hoping it doesn’t. Bring on the Alien War.